Sunday, September 26, 2010

Dear Jimmy Carter

Dear Jimmy...I know it’s more common to say Dear John, but since it’s time for us (the American people) to end this relationship I thought I’d stick with your real name. Recently you reminded us that you believe you’re the greatest President in recent history while most of us believe the opposite. The next day you said you meant after leaving office. So I thought in fairness to our relationship we should review why we no longer want to see you.

Recently you managed to do a good thing by travelling to North Korea and offering Aijalon Mahli Gomes a ride home, shame the Dear Leader wasn’t available to say hi, admittedly this trip certainly worked out better for us but didn’t make up for your last trip in 1994 when you seemingly negotiated a deal that eased tensions and stopped the North Korean’s from developing a nuclear weapon...well it seemed the Great Leader (father of the Dear Leader) pulled the wool over your eyes on that one barely waiting for you to leave before they started up their weapons program again and once President Clinton got caught with his pants down it was full steam ahead toward that big bang that President Bush had to wake up in Oct 2006.

You also managed to head off the requirement for the US to fight its way into Haiti also in 94’, I’m sure the 82nd Airborne appreciated not having to jump under fire, sadly your deal ensured that the island remained under Haitian rule and a couple of years later after a coup another sort of dictator took the reins...new dictator... same slum lifestyle, thanks for almost actually doing something useful by claiming the Haitian people would be better off with a minimal US presence. You sure were a prophet on that one.

In fall of 2006 while promoting your book, you weighed in on the Israeli-Palestinian issue and that sure helped President Bush’s attempt to negotiate a state for the people of Palestine and the right to exist for the Jewish state. Well done, you have become the first President in US history to manage to solely blame the Israelis for wanting to survive numerous attacks from other countries and their terrorist proxies and suggesting that they were have committed a worse apartheid on the Palestinian people than the South Africans did was a great analogy for sure, except for the fact that it was the Palestinians who rejected the great offer negotiated by your man Clinton that gave them everything they wanted, oh yeah and then to really press the point Yasser Arafat immediately ordered the beginning of the second Anti Fata which unleashed hundreds of suicide bombers against Israeli civilian targets...but I’m sure you had the best of intentions with your enlightened remarks.

I don’t want to be unfair, that whole building houses for people down on their luck is by far and away the best thing a former President has ever done for us and if only you stuck with that instead of getting involved in foreign affairs although I suppose you did so after the numerous successes you had in that arena during your time as President.

I mean getting Israel and Egypt to sign a formal peace treaty was impressive...yeah after the 67’ and 74’ war’s between the two it was truly amazing to then see them shaking hands until one considers that Israel so badly kicked Egypt’s butt and completely destroyed their airforce I’m thinking they realized the only way to ensure they continued to exist was to sign a peace treaty that allowed sufficient time for their Russian friends to get them some new planes and train up some new pilots. We shouldn’t forget your masterful handling of the Shah of Iran either, I mean you figured out pretty quickly that he wasn’t as nice a Shah as he should have been and moved quickly to cut off all support to him...that sure taught him the lesson he needed to be taught, for it wasn’t long after that he was forced into exile and a new guy came in that I’m sure you expected to be nicer to the Iranian people and to us. With a cool name like Iatola (of rock and rolla) Komani...it was hard to believe that it didn’t work out that way and downright perturbing that he would dare order the kidnapping of US diplomats and citizens...well at least it gave you somebody to blame when that darned B list actor came along to take your job, well after Senator Ted Kennedy softened you up first.

I get how you could think you’ve been a great post President guy but you’re just not for us anymore so we’re asking you to zip it and go back to building homes because your buddy, Barrack, has ensured you’ll have a never ending list of folks that really need your help.

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